Dear Diary

Thursday 5/12/16 1:35 AM

The keynote speaker at my undergraduate commencement when I graduated from Emory University did not speak English very well.  He was the former president of Mexico and represented a political party that was elected into office for the first time in a very long time. He was kind of a big deal in his country because he started life as a Coca-Cola truck driver, and then became president one day, but his English was difficult to follow.  His poor English hindered his message and as a result I spaced out and didn’t listen.

Since then, I’ve been curious to see whom my alma mater has invited to speak to the graduating class. The year after I graduated Arnold Schwarzenegger was the keynote speaker. I was jealous only because I heard he utilized all his famous one-liner quotes from his films into his speech, “Astalavista baby.”

This year it was an 80 year old epidemiologist, William Foege.

Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 1.54.40 AMHis speech was entitled, “Lessons I am Still Desperately Trying to Learn”.

“Times changed. When I was your age, everyone was telling me to develop a life plan. My advice? Avoid a life plan.

You cannot imagine what will be invented in the future. You cannot imagine the opportunities that will be presented.

You enter a world of infinite possibilities, confusing ideas, continuous changes. But a life plan will limit your future.

[…] Instead of a life plan, spend your time developing a life philosophy.”

…. Wise words.

Sunday 4/24/16 5:38 PM

It’s beautiful outside. I spent most of my day at the Emory library studying for my exam tomorrow. I sat next to a window to watch the sun light and I’ve longed to be outside since the moment I sat down.  It’s hard for me to make it to church on Sunday with my exam schedule, but it’s ending soon… very soon.  Last week my friend in LA asked me what it meant to live. I defined it as things I did not want to do, like studying. He told me living isn’t defined by the things we don’t want to do.  His response brought weight to my heart. It felt so heavy.  I have my answer now. I just wish I had the courage to say it then.

Song on repeat. Here’s to all the Sundays I spent at the library for the last 3+ years studying for the exams that never mattered.  Here’s to what I wish I was doing every Sunday morning instead.

‘And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine’
Oceans- Hillsong

Tuesday 4/19 11:17 PM

I love having black hair.  I dye it black to get it to be even darker since the sunlight fades it.  I went through my blond stage where I kept it trashy in college.  I grew out of it I thought but I’ve been debating whether or not I should dye my hair blond ever since I noticed the trend on Pintrest and Instagram of Asian bloggers.

Being an Asian blond makes you hot, like instantly, but only at first glance.  They’re all stunning initially, but if you look closer at some of the girls you can see their pretty yellow hair is the only thing pretty about them.  Its almost like using a filter on a picture or how some of my guy friends call it, “the cheap trick”

At lunch…

Me: Question- do you think I should dye my hair blond?
Friend: What kind of blond are we talking about here? Like platinum blond?
Me: No.
Friend: Then are you talking about ombre blond?
Me: See, the thing with ombre is that I feel like its sooooo 2013.
Friend: I hear Ash blond is in.
Me: Yeah! I want to do Ash, but I don’t know if I should because I might get in trouble at school since they could count it as being “unprofessional”.
Friend: Really? So my girlfriend asked me if she should dye her hair green.
Me: What’d you say?
Friend: *shrugs* I don’t prefer it be green, but I told her I did’t know why she asks what I think because she’s going to do what she wants to anyway.  And then she goes, ‘I think I’m going to dye it green.’
Me:  Okay well… blond is a color found in nature. It like naturally grows on people’s heads. I’m not trying to do green, but being a blond might as well be green in Georgia.
Friend: Yeah, I get it. I can’t picture you blond.
Me: You know, I already look a certain way and going blond- I’m just afraid of looking thirsty.
Friend: *laughs* The thing about blond Asians is if you take that away on most girls, they’re not attractive at all.  There was this one blond I thought was cute and I told my boys, but they were all like, ‘No- she’s not’ and then one of them pulls out this picture of the same girl except with black hair.  She really wasn’t cute.  It was like some cheap trick.
Me: Cheap trick? Thats a good way to put it. I feel fake tits and fake lashes are cheap tricks too. They always make poor guys do a double take.
Me: All asian blonds are hot at first glance, but to see a girl with jet black hair and she’s hot at first glance is a rare find.
Friend: Yeah it is.
Me: These pictures of pretty girls made me see their beauty.  And the beauty of another woman made me believe there was an absence in mine.  I want to stay true to myself.  I believe in being the best version of you, but I don’t want to change who I am… you do one thing like dye your hair and that leads to another thing like hoarding designer handbags… and then upgrading your car … and then your house and then your man because you see all these other people doing it and what you have isn’t enough anymore. I don’t want lose what I value-I just want to stay true.
Friend: You should stay true to yourself.
Me: *sigh* Black it is then. I found this hair style in black I fell in love with, but I need my hair to grow out more.
Me: *pulls out phone* Here I’ll show you.
Friend: I don’t know why girls ask me for my opinion.

I used to look to beauty as a vice. Theres a million “cheap tricks” a girl can do to feel pretty. The end product I kept as my virtue. And I see now feeling beautiful has absolutely nothing to do with the way you look.  This vice, my virtue, gave me vitality, but it was false.  I see it on social media girls posting pics and they are absolutely gorgeous. I see my ex’s post pics of their current and they are beautiful, but it never phased me because I believed people who post were actually deeply insecure and yearned for approval. I never saw it any other way. So I thought hey, you want someone to like your pic that badly – it means that much to you- then I’ll do it- not a big deal to me. And I literally liked every pic I came across, ever. It was a bigger deal if I didn’t like it because it was so unlike me.  And then I got caught up because they sold me on the game of showing off and upgrading. Trends and people I saw on social media made me lose myself because it started to fill me with doubt.  Something that started off as, ‘Oh, I’ll just like it while I kill time’ turned into feeling inadequate, but I snapped out of it.

Fri. 03.18.16
Happy birthday grandma. Thinking of you. Its weird how things never were the same after you left.  I’ll always remember baking cakes and taking naps with you. Pushing energy forward to you. Love you + miss you, terribly. RIP.

Her story was complete. God has a plan for everyone. It really does feel impossible to see it or believe in that idea, but there is beauty and meaning in what were doing. I’m curious to see how my story will unfold.  I look back at seasons and I can connect the dots to what has lead to what I have now or what I am today.

Mon. 03.06.16
11:13 PM

I want this truck.  
Screen Shot 2016-03-06 at 9.42.39 PM

Sun. 03.05.16
12:57 AM

I got an email from CVS/Pharmacy about scheduling a job interview for Los Angeles in August. I can’t believe this is finally happening. If I get an offer after the interview then I’ll be in LA next summer, permanently.

One more year, the last year, has never felt so long.

I may be getting a second job at a hospital pharmacy for many reasons. I thought about this choice for a while… I’ll be working two part time jobs while I’m in graduate school full-time. Grinding hard.

I was looking for new music and found this… The dance seems consistent of what break ups can be like;

Fri. 03.04.16
2:30 PM

Is it possible to forget who you are?  You go through your day on autopilot and before you know it it’s the weekend, and then its March.  I usually want to fast forward parts of my day especially in uncomfortable situations where being polite and agreeable will let the moment pass quickly.  I just do not want to forget who I am in those moments.  Moments that matter.

I was once told that all men have this “incredible talent”.  The incredible talent of acting like something that they are not.  The more you give him a chance, the more opportunity they get to learn what you are like – what you dislike and how you would react.  All men have this “incredible talent” and use it to get a little closer to you until they get what they want. It isn’t until you see how they handle anger or a stressful situation, when they’re confronted to have an honest conversation, or have their back up against the wall…. is when they can no longer use their “incredible talent”.  Their true character comes out in that moment.

I want to stay true… in moments that matter to be true.

 

Thurs. 02.25.16
1:20 AM

I haven’t done my laundry in a month. I haven’t had time for it until I ran out of socks.  The little man that lives inside my dryer collecting all my socks needs to give them back.  The mismatch pairs are an eyesore and I’m always running late because of this problem.

After 3 loads of laundry I sat on the floor and started folding. I was thinking about this sermon I heard on a random worship night held at Buckhead Church.  It was held to kick off the new year. The pastor talked about how we all have these new hopes and wishes in the new year.  I started to think of my new years resolutions that I forgot to maintain.  He talks about all the hope and blessing we are expecting to receive, but said that no one ever thinks about the struggles that will come in the new year.  He said God never promised us that we wouldn’t struggle or promised that bad things wouldnt happen sometimes…but instead promised he would always be here when we have to endure it.

There are times when my adversity doesn’t seem fair or right. I look over to my friend and I know she’s never experienced something like this or and then it makes me feel like things are unjust.  But I guess adversity always feels that way at the time.  I pray for that adversity to disappear each time it arises, but it doesnt just “disappear”.  It stays and bothers you as it plays its course in your life and then you just grow from it in some weird way.

Perspective on stress;

 

 

Wed.02.24.16
2:31AM

I heard it on the radio the other day…I don’t usually listen to the radio but I couldn’t get my soundcloud to load so I flipped around through the Christians stations.  The stations in the morning here are too intense for me.   It just brought me so much joy to hear this song and every time I listen to it I feel this grace and warmth.  I hope anyone listening to this song can feel this overwhelming feeling of grace that I felt today when I heard it again.

I started following Daniel Norris on Instagram a few weeks ago. Someone I was dating last year showed me this video.  He’s a major league baseball player and lives out of his van.  People call him a hippie, maybe he is…but I’m attracted to this man. The more interviews I read about about him I saw that he kept life simple, but more importantly was true to himself. I came to appreciate how real it is to hold on to what you value.

Most Asian guys I date are really really superficial, and most Asian girlfriends I have are even more superficial. I don’t want to end up with someone who’s homeless living out of his van, but I would like someone that sees more value in life than owning a really expensive car or pair of shoes.

This topic came up on a date once.  I tried to explain to my date that just because you had more money it doesn’t mean you have to change the way you live. He didn’t understand me. We were talking about buying used items vs. brand new things and there was a huge disconnect in terms of understanding the reasoning behind purchasing used items if you had the funds to buy something brand new instead. I was misunderstood.  I told him how I wanted to travel alone because you learn more about yourself.  He didn’t understand and I felt misunderstood again. I feel like Norris said it best in the video, “Just cause moneys there it doesn’t mean that it’s- that you’ve got to have nicer things than you used to have.”

I noticed on most of my dates there is this incredibly huge disconnect. I’m sitting there confused about why I’m expected to own designer bags, designer shoes, only stay at resorts when I travel, and live in a really nice place. Maybe it’s supposed to start off as a compliment? Like I look like the type of girl that would take care of myself in that way, but it just feels off and then I’ll usually shut down and want to go home after explaining myself.  My problem is I’ve been looking for this certain type of man. I’m expecting him to share the same values as I do, but I try to find this certain type of man in a guy that is more materialistic than family-oriented or career-driven.  Sometimes it makes me feel like my self worth is measured in some of this “stuff” and this Korean American community/world I’m apart of doesn’t care to see it the way I do or can even comprehend this other perspective to life.

Advertisements